I guess this is another bonus post as it’s time sensitive, it’s what I’m feeling right now, it’s raw and it is fresh and so I’m just going to take the inspiration as it comes and type this out.
My boyfriend, Adam, took this photograph the other day on a day out. We left later than we had planned for and I was in an odd mood. I couldn’t be bothered. I wasn’t taking as many photographs as I usually did. Because I wasn’t interested. In anything. I couldn’t even make myself be. He was walking behind me, taking shots for himself. And he documented my mood, without me noticing. He showed me afterwards, just before my mood started to pick up.
And now, I think everything happens for a reason. These photographs, I’m going to now use and publish, a week and a half later, because they’re relevant to what I want to talk about.
Last night, I needed to get lots of sleep for a busy day at work. Naturally, my brain would not quieten down. (Do you wanna know what I was thinking about? Honestly? I spent pretty much all night thinking about death and whether it would hurt or not. That is what my brain decided to confront me with between the hours of 12 and 4am when I was desperately trying to get some sleep. The concept is rather irrelevant to me, I’m not going anywhere, no one I know is going anywhere, I don’t know why that upset me for so many hours for literally no logical reason whatsoever).
Needless to say, I was tired. I got up at 6am, I went to work, I finished at 6pm, I got back at 7pm, I crashed on the sofa with my housemates, I eventually mustered up the energy to eat around 8pm and then I literally went to my room to browse social media and fell asleep for two hours.
When I woke up, I took off my make up, told Adam I was going to bed. Within ten minutes he appeared with tea, biscuits, a cuddle and a pep talk. He talked about how I’ve been hoping to do so many things and I’ll regret sleeping away my free time. He was right.
I’ve been in situations before where I’ve been held back and kept contained in a box sometimes and my growth has been stunted to make someone else feel safer. And I feel like literally every single person has that at some point in their lives, where they probably didn’t even realise what was happening until afterwards when they looked back on it, or where they didn’t know and nobody explicitly told them that the best kinds of people are the ones that have your best interests at heart and push you to actually proactively do what you say you’re going to do and embrace and encourage your creativity.
This is, hands down, the most supportive friendship and relationship I have ever had. There are equal amounts of care, love and sympathy but also the tough love of having the duvet ripped off of me and my writings/paintings/blog pushed underneath my nose until I give in and finish something or further develop something until it is as perfect as I envisioned it to be and I would not have gotten there without a push.
Basically, I’m just feeling grateful and blessed for knowing and being around some really fabulous people. And I just think that everybody should have somebody in their lives that gives them a kick up the bum occasionally, someone who inspires you to want to be better and to put your ideas to paper and do all the things you say you want to.
Also…when I did stop sulking and came online to express how I’m feeling today, I noticed that I have 400 new subscribers since two days ago and I don’t know where you all came from so quickly. I teared up. Not gonna lie. I love you. Yes you, reading this even though it’s rubbish.