I thought I would take some time to have a little catch up.
I recently turned in the last ever essay I will ever complete and hand in to university, ever. It was a big moment. It was a module I shouldn’t have chosen and a stressful time to get it all done on time and I worked really hard on it and got upset and frustrated over it but I got it done and I turned it in, knowing it was the last essay I ever will turn in ever again.
And I should have felt something. Like everyone else.
I wanted to feel overjoyed, empowered, ecstatic and proud of my achievements. I wanted to feel something or some way about it. And I felt nothing. That’s the part that sucks the most about depression. Most peoples’ perception of depression is that it is something which makes you sad and miserable and hopeless. Well, that’s not the truth. Depression, for a lot of people and for a lot of the time, can just be feeling nothing. Not being able to be passionate about anything, motivated to do anything. You can’t feel happy for anyone, you can’t muster up an interest in anything. So, in that mode, one of my big final moments of university was stolen. And it really sucks.
I didn’t want this post to be all doom and gloom. I’m okay now. I’m at home, staying in a cosy little outhouse in the big back garden of my parents’ house. The kittens are here too; they actually travelled really well and I’m glad to have them here with me.
I am spending Christmas eating good foods and seeing family and trying to finish up my writing project. Then I am having a second Christmas with my boyfriend’s family before heading back to the best city in the world for NYE.
I did something scary this week in regards to my future. I can’t really say anything for 12 weeks and it might not work out anyway but I’m proud of myself for finally doing it. And, to be perfectly honest, it is giving me a purpose at the moment; something to keep me busy in a time where I’m not feeling quite…myself.
I hope you all have a very merry Christmas.
Lots of love,